Sometimes I debate how much of my inner angst anyone really wants or needs to know. I feel the margin for this is small. And I agree for the most part to keep most personal problems under wraps except when I believe what I am or have gone through will help someone along the way and that is where I am right now.
Ever since my physical health has returned I’ve found it amazingly difficult to settle my butt in a chair and write. I mean I can write beginnings beautifully, but I barely get going and I have this avoidance thing where I will do anything except finish – thus why I am so productive in the other areas of my life right now. But I need it. Like life. Like breath. I am not built to watch life pass, but to create new worlds and move words so they entwine and mimic the curve of the heart. Where my world becomes the breath and the life. And you may laugh at this next statement, but I do not believe I am being overly dramatic here. In fact the need is greater than that. Which is why it becomes painful to spend so much of my time avoiding.
I do believe I am moving on the other side of that now and I want to put here some of the ideas and thoughts about why I am able to move on. I will be honest, some of what I am going to write is deeply personal and if that sort of brutal honesty makes you cringe or you find it vulgar perhaps you should stop reading now. I mean I’ll dress it up as pretty as I can (leave out names, use double mirrors to trap the wicked, add a doily), but if I am to give you something that might help I think some of it is going to have to be the ugly bowl full of beets. The orphaned shoe with the missing mate.
So here it goes, before I became Ill I was writing regularly, finishing projects, setting goals and, with some bit of push,completing them. And then the year long pause in writing and doing much of anything. When I was able to return to my normal activities I was behind in everything. This was overwhelming, but the renewed energy made it seem possible to get everything back on track (although I knew some of it would take awhile to get up to par). At first I thought the long ‘to do’ list was holding me back so I took pains to clear the list, at least as much as could be cleared immediately. But that didn’t get me writing again.
So then I read books, watched videos, read blogs anything on the subject of block that I could find and it was helpful, but did not address quite what I was having a problem with. Because I could write, I just couldn’t finish. Someone suggested that if I was having problems finishing it might be some resistance deep inside me and it might require professional help. Ummm…..
Well, professional help was not going to happen between the expense and the need to stay close to my family after a year of doctors and procedures. No. So, I pulled up my psychiatrist’s chair and whipped out my steno pad and took a long look at what may be going on. To make a few long stories short I have abandonment issues and my times of abandonment came when I moved on to new things in my life. The first time was when I was eight and someone who Ioved me and showered me with their love began distancing themselves from me. The only reason I could ever put as a reason is I was no longer a baby and growing up was enough to lose their regard. Put quite simply they like little babies and not grown girls or women. It took years (and I still have difficulty with this) to understand this loss. Another time was when I went off to college. I grew up in what could be described as a colorful community. People there did not go to college. I still remember feeling my stomach twist admitting to my friends when i came home on the weekends that I had to study or write a paper instead of staying out all night and showing up on Monday hungover. I remember the last time I saw them – I knew – that going to college cost me everything. Up until then I didn’t even want to stay in my community, escaping was a clear goal of mine ever since I could ride my bike, however, the reality that I couldn’t go back (at least then) was more difficult than I ever anticipated .
How does all of this relate to writing. I think it was becoming clear that this writing gig wasn’t just a flash in the pan. I actually had a growing list of work and if that were true then I was moving toward another significant change in my life and to put it mildly this idea sort of freaked me out.
I cannot control whether the people in my life will stick around. That is both a fact and a fear. And always in the back of my head is this question: is writing – is the work – worth it?
And the truth is YES!
Not because I want to lose anyone who is near and dear to me, but because without the writing, without the creating, I feel like I’ve lost myself. Being alone and on your own is rough, but losing yourself while being surrounded by people who love you is worse.
Ok, so if you’ve read this far then you can breathe easy.. That was the worst of it. I am going to put the other things that helped me in other posts. Trust me that was the worst. Rest are more basic. But if you are struggling do feel free to get professional help. I didn’t want you to think I thought it was a bad idea, it was just bad timing for me. And I hope what I wrote didn’t come off gratuitous, but rather instructional.
Now if you have gotten to the bottom I have a surprise – kittens!
After our skinny cat died it took me a bit to get into looking for new cats, but we lucked out and found these two cuties. They’re brothers and in this picture they were walking all over my head and chest.
Well I hope you are having a good week..still .